Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Good grief, Charlie Brown where has the time gone?! 

Ok so back on with the excitamentability of my woes. (It's a word, look it up) 
So the lovely teeny tiny Chinese doctor hands me over to the also teeny tiny Chinese male doctor. Ok I lie, he was not teeny. He asks me a million questions, I answer him. I often feel like handing over a manila folder with my life story and sit there with a cup of tea for an hour or so just to avoid having to go over it all again verbally. He says, when I get to the part about bleeding from my bot-bot regularly, 
" What?!How often, when, how much, how long?" Whoa! Slow down, buddy! One question at a time!  I tell him, often, like almost every month. Bright red, and fair bit of it and often the day before my period. I  explain I know my period is coming the next day by the fact I bleed there about 12 hours before hand. 

 He is not impressed. He requests me to go to a specialist who deals with bowel endometriosis.  Until I get that looked at he will not deal with the uterine issues. He does however allow me to stay on the Microgynon 30 till then. Referral in hand and a grimace on my face when he tells me I will need a bowel cleanse for the ultrasound. Great. Fun. Not. I HATE bowel cleanses with a vengence!

 Night before the ultrasound with the lady I have to eat basic food and then do a 14 drops of Ducolax and a Fleet enema in the morning. My dear friend David organised a lovely B & B stay nearer the ultrasound place, as we live too far away to do the enema and stay intact then do the drive. We live more than an hour away. I was rockin' on the dunny by morning! I tend to just let loose and not stop! Pain was intense each bowel emptying and by the time I got to the ultrasound place I was terrified of soiling myself and constantly kept running to the loo. 
 Sophie the doctor asked me questions and was concerned that I probably do have bowel endometriosis. She is one of the few who does this type of ultrasound vaginally as most radiologists place the transducer on the cervical area to look whereas she places it behind the cervix and moves it around the bowel area. A little uncomfortable but not painful. 

 Here is a video on youtube of what is involved with the ultrasound. The lady talking was my doctor that day. 

She spent alot of time with me but I had no evidence of bowel endometriosis. She was very puzzled. "A medical mystery, " as she put it. I said, "Well, I AM a medical oddity!"
 It hurt like heck when she got around the right ovary area even from that position! It was unbelievably painful. I have this problem every time I have an ultrasound when they push on the right lower groin area. I shoot off the table!  She told me she had no idea why I would bleed regularly rectally as it sounded on paper like bowel endometriosis. 

 After going back to the gynie and him saying, "Now we know it isn't bowel endometriosis, I want you to go to my colleague next week." Wow! Rush job! I went to the colleague who insisted I had a high hemorrhoid and all would be good and he asked why were we rushing this if it was something so simple? He'd do it next month. I told him I was going to have a hysterectomy on January 17th and that we needed to rule out the botty bleeding first in case something was sinister. He snorted. " I doubt it!" I didn't like his attitude. He told me it would be very very painful if he had to loop an elastic band around this imaginary high hemorrhoid and I would have to put up with that and the hysterectomy pain. 
 As fate would have it, the day before I had to start the bowel cleanse I get a call saying he had a major car accident and smashed his foot and did I want to rebook the colonoscopy he was going to do to find my high hemorrhoid? I gritted my teeth. It was to have a looksee not deal with a hemorrhoid for crying out loud! Man!!!! 

 Gynie was beside himself. Oh, boy! Rush job again. He was talking cancer. CANCER? When did this word come up? Oh surrrrrre, it was in the back of my mind but really??? Ok ok I DID have a massive bleed back in September and it DID cross my mind one time it could be, but surely the period time bleeding was bowel endometriosis, hey? No. Oh, ok......
  So yet again, rush job appointment. This time with a really nice cancer doctor. He was lovely. Sadly, he told me,  his wife was having chemo. He always took the 3rd Thursday off to be with her for her chemo round. What a sweetie! Thursdays were when he did colonoscopies. Luckily for me I could get to have him see me in two days! TWO DAYS! GAH! Luckily for me the receptionist had forewarned me and I had started the pre-cleanse diet of bland boring food. Cottage cheese and rice crackers and apple juice. Yum yummy. Not. 

 Ok, I am trying to make this short and sweet but so much happened in those few weeks here that I am trying to condense it down. I really ought to have blogged more often but oh well.... 
 So bowel cleanse number two in 3 weeks. Lordy that stuff seriously is horrible. Makes me wanna puke. Lemon flavoured is just a lure to make you think it is healthy. Try Dish washing flavour more like! Gross! I reckon if I farted I could make bubbles. 

The date I wrote on the top left is incorrect. I WAS due the first colonoscopy on my darling son's 23rd birthday on 3rd January, but it was canceled so I just used that pack instead of getting a new one for the colonoscopy on 10 January. 

 Looking back, I could probably have got away with only 2 packs. That stuff works too well on me!

I have a lot of issues health wise so was advised to go to a major hospital to have myself monitored in case anything went wrong. Under anaesthetic I tend to have my heart play bongo beat. It stopped twice in one surgery. I shall tell you all about it another time! The Epworth Richmond in Melbourne is an acute hospital, so I knew I would be in safe hands.  Luckily for me it is almost right next door, and is the one used, by the cancer doctor!
 I met the lovely anaethetist who was fascinated with my knowledge and also of my many conditions. He told me he would take great care in making sure I was ok. I had to break away at one point whilst he was talking to me to run off to the loo! He remarked how my bowel seemed too stimulated for the clean out. 
 As he gave me the 'juice' he wanted me to let him now how I felt. 
"Mmmm that's nice......" 
"Bit more now..."he watched me as I watched him push the syringe a bit more. 
"Ah, Milk of Amnesia." I stated. He laughed
"Yes, it is! How you feeling now?"
"Oh, that is verrrrrry pleasant." He laughed at me as I started to let my eyes close. 
"Ok, here we go. Night night, Sweet Princess."

 As I came to, I was dreaming of a large serpent inside of me, and this was in fact a reality! My insides shook as I was coming to and felt the long camera coming out of me. What a weird feeling!
 I was the only patient left for the day in recovery. I am a hopeless recovererer! My blood pressure drops, I take forever to come to, and this time was no exception. The drug used is Propofol and has been known to be a truth serum. I believe it! I couldn't shut up! Anyone asking me anything personal would have known all about it. Once I got started talking about something, it all just kept coming out! Poor nurse when she asked how many kids I have got the full story on how and why and where my marriage ended as well as the basic info of ages and sex of the children. I kept giggling to myself at how crazily I was rambling. Not a drunken slurry kind of rambling, more of a 'gotta tell all this before I go have to go catch that bus" kind of way. I stayed in recovery for nearly 3 hours then out in the holding area for about an hour and half. Blood pressure was only 80/90. Wasn't allowed home till I could prove I was ok. My male friend annoyed me deliberately and 112/90 was deemed 'outta here' A wheel chair ride to the car was rather nice to help my giddiness. All the other people who had been lined up for their colonoscopies had long gone and were probably hoeing into a big t-bone steak or something and having a nap by now!
  Lovely doctor came along as I was dozing and called my name. I hate when they do that. You don't even know your name, then it hits you, 'Hey! That's me!' and you wake with a start. Not a nice feeling. Anyway, this time, I didn't do that, but lazily opened my eyes and said, "Oh , I was dreaming about you!" He looked stunned! I then told him of what I was dreaming about and he looked shocked. Seems that I was having some kind of psychic type of dream and he was totally taken aback at how correct I was. ( I won't say here what the dream was as it was personal to the doctor and I have to respect his privacy, I will say, it was about his wife, whom I have never met.) Once he got himself together he told me,
"No cancer"
"Phew!" says me. I notice he looks a bit worried so I assume it's bad news....but wait! Cancer is bad right? I don't have cancer. Hey????
"You have 4 small AVMs in your left side colon." Say what? AVMs? Since when did I get them? (AVM is Arterio-Venous Malformation where the arteries and veins instead of being separate are one big tangalation. You are born with them. They can bleed for no reason. If they burst you can bleed to death. Joy. Not.) I make a joke and he says that he will find out what the gynie wants to do about them. Cauterise or take out a bit of bowel. Like do I get a choice? Hmmmm
  Gynie books him to be there at the hysterectomy. Oh Lordy! I have a hysterectomy in one weeks time. I have to have another bowel cleanse just in case they decide to cauterise or do that bowel chopping and dicing thing. AGAIN? Oh come ON! 3 bowel cleanses in 3 weeks? I haven't even had a proper meal since a month ago! Waaaaaah.

So a whole week has to go by before that double whammy surgery. 
It was a long week. 

More next time!
Stay tuned!



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